Given everything I've had to surrender to get to this point, and especially considering that everything I thought, or was told by society and observed by family (which turned out to be a poor example, but meh...) that I wanted turned out to be an exercise in self-delusion that brought two lives up to the brink of collapse, realizing our mistakes not a moment too son, it occurs to me that, well, I've never actually set down what I wanted.
So... what do I want?
I want to be in control of all aspects of my life, from my body down to when I choose to buy a trinket, instead of mania, hype, and addiction creating a false sense of longing that requires immediate gratification.
I want friends that are friends. Friends that are happy to see me rather than seeing me as an inconvenience to be tolerated. Friends that call me out of the blue just to make sure I'm okay, or call me out when I'm having trouble to talk it out before I lash out.
I want a woman who is only interested in what's now instead of leveraging for the future. One who is willing to explore life and living with me, both in the outside world and the one that only exists in the mind. One to whom sex doesn't mean everything, but also to whom sex is never meaningless. One who is willing to explore all sensations possible without, within, and between.
I want to do what I love, and share that love with everyone who wants to see it. I want to be known, enjoyed, but not famous.
But most of all, I want to Love and be Loved, without expectations or requirements. This is true both individually and universally. As Jimi so eloquently said, "When the power of Love overcomes the love of power, there will be peace on Earth."
Steep demands, I know, but I have a lot mode time than I thought I did a year ago, so I am willing to wait for the right moment. Love to all. -J
Friday, October 1, 2010
Sunday, September 19, 2010
It's been a ride...
I guess I had to go to that place to get to this one. - Eminem, "Not Afraid"
I know I've been very secretive about what's been happening to me lately, and I apologize for that. The reasons are simple: The changes that were happening were happening rapidly and for the most part with no way to stop and take a breath, let alone explain. Besides which, everything was still being worked out, and it wouldn't be fair to all involved to lay things out without a proper post-mortem, as well as a clear head.
Besides that, it involves something I never do: bringing my life in the Other World (RL) into that of my online persona. Unfortunately, as often happens to those of us who live in both worlds, when one goes into chaos, the other does as well.
That chaos has subsided, things are mostly settled - that which I can control, anyway - and I have some breathing space.
So now, I will explain.
About a month and a half ago, I and my wife of eleven years came to the mutual agreement that the relationship we thought, hoped, and convinced ourselves was there simply wasn't, and hadn't been for some time - in some cases, it never was there to begin with. As a result, we have separated, and will be officially divorced momentarily.
Fortunately, the two of us are parting amicably, and are going to remain good friends. We had believed that we had some time - several months, in fact - to sort through the separation of the physical and financial connections, and we would remain in close physical proximity, with her moving closer to her work and I finding a place in town for myself so I could finally be on my own for the first time in my life.
Fate, on the other hand, had other ideas.
Several issues came up in our current residence that forced us to have to rely on friends for certain necessities, and the place where she worked suddenly closed, forcing her to move hundreds of miles away to maintain her work.
This meant that in short order, our separation period moved from several months to a few months, then from a few months to a few weeks.
The situation, it should go without saying, became very stressful in a hurry, for both of us. She became externally sad and, at times, quite emotional, since her mourning period for this huge loss for both of us was compressed so much so quickly. Blame her, I do not, but it was, and still is, hard to watch her when she starts to fall apart emotionally, knowing there's not a damn thing I can do about it.
I, having never learned to handle my stress well, internalized everything, appearing externally calm, but being a literal ticking time bomb of anger and stress.
As a result, I started to marginalize the friends who were helping us because I believed, ironically, that there were attempting to marginalize me. I, who was on the verge of losing my best friend to a faraway job, began to fear that my other friends were going to shut me out and, as a result, pushed them away so that they did eventually shut me out.
Fortunately, I did have other friends who were able to help afterward, but I wanted it to be said, for the record, that I am completely grateful and appreciative of all my friends for their help, and regret how I dealt with my own life coming apart as it applies to them. I have made attempts to make amends that, thus far, has yielded nothing, nor do I have any assumption that it will.
I have made peace with this, and have decided to move on.
So what now?
Now I have a very large living space that is completely my own (it's a rental, but still...), and I will be writing a lot, since I will likely have a lot of free time. I will continue to write Humanity, Intuition, and Darkness, although the current part may be delayed for a while due to my own issues. (Writing it the first time nearly drove me insane. Rewriting it and incorporating it into this story may make me revisit that.)
I will also be working on my review vlog. I decided to start out with a simple top 10 list to start with to introduce myself and show you what to expect from me as far as attitude and sense of humor.
I will also try to keep up this blog in addition the other one on this site as sort of a bridge between the character you see and the person I am.
I hope this post sufficiently explains where I've been and gives an idea of where I'm going. If not, ask me something by e-mail and I may answer.
I know I've been very secretive about what's been happening to me lately, and I apologize for that. The reasons are simple: The changes that were happening were happening rapidly and for the most part with no way to stop and take a breath, let alone explain. Besides which, everything was still being worked out, and it wouldn't be fair to all involved to lay things out without a proper post-mortem, as well as a clear head.
Besides that, it involves something I never do: bringing my life in the Other World (RL) into that of my online persona. Unfortunately, as often happens to those of us who live in both worlds, when one goes into chaos, the other does as well.
That chaos has subsided, things are mostly settled - that which I can control, anyway - and I have some breathing space.
So now, I will explain.
About a month and a half ago, I and my wife of eleven years came to the mutual agreement that the relationship we thought, hoped, and convinced ourselves was there simply wasn't, and hadn't been for some time - in some cases, it never was there to begin with. As a result, we have separated, and will be officially divorced momentarily.
Fortunately, the two of us are parting amicably, and are going to remain good friends. We had believed that we had some time - several months, in fact - to sort through the separation of the physical and financial connections, and we would remain in close physical proximity, with her moving closer to her work and I finding a place in town for myself so I could finally be on my own for the first time in my life.
Fate, on the other hand, had other ideas.
Several issues came up in our current residence that forced us to have to rely on friends for certain necessities, and the place where she worked suddenly closed, forcing her to move hundreds of miles away to maintain her work.
This meant that in short order, our separation period moved from several months to a few months, then from a few months to a few weeks.
The situation, it should go without saying, became very stressful in a hurry, for both of us. She became externally sad and, at times, quite emotional, since her mourning period for this huge loss for both of us was compressed so much so quickly. Blame her, I do not, but it was, and still is, hard to watch her when she starts to fall apart emotionally, knowing there's not a damn thing I can do about it.
I, having never learned to handle my stress well, internalized everything, appearing externally calm, but being a literal ticking time bomb of anger and stress.
As a result, I started to marginalize the friends who were helping us because I believed, ironically, that there were attempting to marginalize me. I, who was on the verge of losing my best friend to a faraway job, began to fear that my other friends were going to shut me out and, as a result, pushed them away so that they did eventually shut me out.
Fortunately, I did have other friends who were able to help afterward, but I wanted it to be said, for the record, that I am completely grateful and appreciative of all my friends for their help, and regret how I dealt with my own life coming apart as it applies to them. I have made attempts to make amends that, thus far, has yielded nothing, nor do I have any assumption that it will.
I have made peace with this, and have decided to move on.
So what now?
Now I have a very large living space that is completely my own (it's a rental, but still...), and I will be writing a lot, since I will likely have a lot of free time. I will continue to write Humanity, Intuition, and Darkness, although the current part may be delayed for a while due to my own issues. (Writing it the first time nearly drove me insane. Rewriting it and incorporating it into this story may make me revisit that.)
I will also be working on my review vlog. I decided to start out with a simple top 10 list to start with to introduce myself and show you what to expect from me as far as attitude and sense of humor.
I will also try to keep up this blog in addition the other one on this site as sort of a bridge between the character you see and the person I am.
I hope this post sufficiently explains where I've been and gives an idea of where I'm going. If not, ask me something by e-mail and I may answer.
Sunday, June 27, 2010
The Darian Hunter Files
Edit: Removed download links because Megaupload.
Since I now have no place to upload this, the links have been removed. I'm slowly adding revamped chapters to my Tumblr account
The Arrogance of Darian Hunter - The start of the new year at North High School brings an enigmatic new observer to the SOS Brigade. But what is he really after? And has he stepped into something bigger than he anticipated?
The Visions of Darian Hunter - After a life-threatening incident, Darian starts to experience clairvoyant visions every night. Who or what is causing them? What do they mean? And will he survive long enough to finally get a good night's sleep?
Humanity, Intuition, and Darkness - A three-tale anthology that wraps up the Darian Hunter arc
Part 1: The Humanity of Haruhi Suzumiya - Haruhi Suzumiya is acting strangely: kind, compassionate, remorseful. Has she lost her mind? ...or something else?
Part 2: The Intuition of Kyon - Darian Hunter is off school sick with the flu... or is he? Kyon digs deeper and learns a secret that could destroy everything!
Part 3: The Darkness of Yuki Nagato - The North High School spring formal is coming, and the SOS Brigade is crashing it! Little do they know that others have the same idea, for less humorous reasons...
I hope that you will enjoy them.
Since there are so, so, SO many franchises and mythoi that this story pulls from, I will use the same blanket copyright notice that I use whenever I post something like this:
All ideas, characters, concepts, et al, are copyright their respective owners as of their most recent copyright date. Challenge to these copyrights is not intended nor should be implied. (This includes me)
Since I now have no place to upload this, the links have been removed. I'm slowly adding revamped chapters to my Tumblr account
The Arrogance of Darian Hunter - The start of the new year at North High School brings an enigmatic new observer to the SOS Brigade. But what is he really after? And has he stepped into something bigger than he anticipated?
The Visions of Darian Hunter - After a life-threatening incident, Darian starts to experience clairvoyant visions every night. Who or what is causing them? What do they mean? And will he survive long enough to finally get a good night's sleep?
Humanity, Intuition, and Darkness - A three-tale anthology that wraps up the Darian Hunter arc
Part 1: The Humanity of Haruhi Suzumiya - Haruhi Suzumiya is acting strangely: kind, compassionate, remorseful. Has she lost her mind? ...or something else?
Part 2: The Intuition of Kyon - Darian Hunter is off school sick with the flu... or is he? Kyon digs deeper and learns a secret that could destroy everything!
Part 3: The Darkness of Yuki Nagato - The North High School spring formal is coming, and the SOS Brigade is crashing it! Little do they know that others have the same idea, for less humorous reasons...
I hope that you will enjoy them.
Since there are so, so, SO many franchises and mythoi that this story pulls from, I will use the same blanket copyright notice that I use whenever I post something like this:
All ideas, characters, concepts, et al, are copyright their respective owners as of their most recent copyright date. Challenge to these copyrights is not intended nor should be implied. (This includes me)
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