What Happened

I know I've been vague about my whereabouts and activities for the past couple months, but that's only because I was still in the middle of it and needed some distance and a chance to catch my breath before telling this story.

Disclaimer: I'm not telling this story for attention or pity. I'm telling it because I need to. I need to get it out. I'm doing this for me, for her, and for anyone who reads this that might benefit from it.

Here goes:

My ex-wife and best friend, who has MS, came to stay with me for a while when the MS caused her to start having trouble with her job, at first to watch my apartment when I made my trip to New York in March, but also to visit and crash until her housing situation worked itself out. She told me she was moving in with her sister in Michigan once her tax refund check arrived (which was delayed because of that whole H&R Block fiasco (those of you who experienced it know what I'm talking about)). After a long delay, it finally came and she left, assuring me she was going to be okay living with family.

A few days later, I get a phone call, telling me that she was at U of M Hospital recovering after a failed suicide attempt.

Needless to say, I was devastated, but grateful she was alive.

After recovering in the psych ward for a few weeks, I picked her up and we stayed at a hotel for the weekend. She set up some meetings to get an apartment in Ann Arbor, and meanwhile stayed with me for another week until she secured a little basement apartment. I then helped her with moving (some of) her things from Tennessee up to Michigan. She gave me her futon and king-size bed rather than leave them there to be tossed. So, yeah, I have a futon and a king-size bed if anyone wants to come over.

She's getting lots of help from state and local resources (Apparently, Michigan's good for that) and she qualified for disability through her job because of her MS and depression, and has applied for federal disability, not to mention getting local Medicaid for her medicine and therapy. So she's going to be okay, I think.

So, there you go. That's what's been foremost in my thoughts and actions for the past couple months. Any support you can give her right now would be appreciated (thoughts, prayers, positive energy, whatever you can give). I've tried to convince her to start a Tumblr so that she has an outlet and meet some of the amazing people I've met on there. If/when she does, I'll post a link so you can introduce yourself.

Anyway, thank you for reading this far, and I hope you understand now.

My Red Pill Moment, or Why I don't trust the government or the media

Everyone who has developed a mistrust for the structures of society (media, religion, government, etc.)  usually have one moment when the evidence becomes too obvious to ignore - that tipping point where you can never go back to their old way of thinking. As though you'd taken the Red Pill from the Matrix.

The groundwork for my moment was laid on 9/11/01. I was out of work (the company who my call center took calls for went bankrupt. It sucks walking onto your jobsite and being told that you could go home and never come back.) and I had taken a typing test that day to work at the Postal Service. I had heard whispers of something happening at the test site, but I was in no way prepared for what I saw.

I watched it all day long, giving updates to my then-wife (who was asleep at the time and couldn't process what was happening). I was already slightly awake from my own research online, so I watched the coverage with a more critical (cynical) eye. I won't go into detail nor will I interject my own opinions, because, believe it or not, that's not what sunk my opinion about the government and the media.

That came a bit later, after Colin Powell's speech to the UN to make the case for the War in Iraq. During that speech, Powell made reference to a dossier that was advertised as the latest and greatest intelligence on Iraq's nuclear capability, and that was a huge part of his push to justify invading Iraq.

Not long after, one of the sites I frequented at the time (basically amalgamations of news links interjected with commentary) linked a story from I believe the Times of India. In it, a professor from UC Berkeley revealed that a lot of the so-called "intelligence" from the dossier was actually taken from one of his student's term papers - copied word-for-word, complete with spelling and grammatical errors - that was written before the FIRST Gulf War. As in from the early 1990's.

I just kept refreshing the page, and watched the story spread all throughout Asia, then Eurpoe, slowly but surely. Eventually, it made its way to the BBC, and finally onto USA Today's website. And the instant - literally the exact moment - that the story hit American sites, the Jose Padilla story broke. DHS declared an Orange Alert. John Fucking Ashcroft interrupted his trip to Russia to make a speech light on facts and heavy on fear about the "dirty bomber".

The timing was too coincidental to be coincidental. (Not that I believe in coincidences, anyway) That was it for me. There was no going back.

And no, the change in administration did nothing to change my mind. Frankly, I'm not surprised nobody's taking Obama to task over the drone strikes. Not even his "enemies" on the "Right" will call him out on it (But 6 people get killed in a firefight at an embassy, and heads will roll).

Fuck leaving this country. Can someone please build a dimensional portal so I can go somewhere less insane? Like Wackyland? Ot Nichijou?

You didn't ask for it, but here it is anyway: My voice! (yay?)

Well, all, it took some effort, both in convincing myself to do it, and in getting the file to a small enough size to work (I had some still pics to entertain you originally, but that ballooned the file to a WAY too large size for Blogger to accept, but, at long last, here it is, complete with a dual serenade from me to you! (yay?)

Judge for yourself about my voice:

Somewhere, in a parallel time plane...

Associated Press

Washington, DC - After months of delay, obstruction, and hot-blooded rhetoric on both sides of the issue, the ban on Christians in the military has finally passed the United States Senate and is on its way to the White House for the president's signature.

Many pro-Christian advocates are hailing this vote as a triumph of equal rights. "This vote is proof that the United States Constitution is for all, no matter what who you worship," said Speaker of the House, Annabelle James, herself a Christian and co-author of the Senate version of the repeal of the so-called "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" legislation that was enacted by President James in 1993.

Opponents of the measure campaigned hard against passage of the repeal. Congressman Randy Wilcox, a self-avowed atheist, said during the House debate on the issue that "Our military cannot stand with anyone who follows the teaching of a pacifist like Jesus Christ! How can we possibly maintain the strongest military in the world when someone follows a god who says "Thou shalt not kill"?"

In the end, the measure passed on a mostly party-line vote with a few Senators crossing the aisle to show their support.

Senator and former presidential candidate Harry Wilson, acknowledged that there were not enough votes to stop passage of the repeal. He blamed the passage on pro-Christian elite with little military experience on forcing their social agenda on troops during wartime.

"They will do what is asked of them," Wilson said of service members. "But don't think there won't be a great cost."

Many servicemen and women who had been discharged under "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" cheered the vote as a victory for future Christians who wish to serve their country.

"When I served, I felt like I couldn't be me, like I couldn't be fully me." Former First Sergeant Timothy Jacobs told a crowd outside Capitol Hill during a rally for support of the repeal. "My faith is part of who I am as a person, and to have to hide that in order to serve the country I love... it was like cutting off a limb."

...

(Back to this time plane)

Before anyone gets on my case about the comparison between sexual orientation and religion, and anything about choosing faith vs. choosing sexuality, get over it. This is satire, designed to illustrate a point, not to pick apart an argument.

That point? What if it were you? What if it were something that you did/believed/were that kept you from doing something you felt was the right thing to do? What if you were forced to make a choice to not be or not be one thing that you are in your heart of hearts in order to be something else that you are in your heart of hearts?

In the interest of full disclosure, I'm not a big fan of the military, and I'm not a big fan of government in general. And my view of DADT is summed up by the late Bill Hicks: "Anyone dumb enough to want to be in the military should be allowed in; end of fucking story." (his emphasis)

But I am an even lesser fan of hate. I do not begrudge people who want to be in the military, but neither do I think less of them - they are following what they believe to be right, and more power to them. But to be denied that just because you live a lifestyle that people who crafted rules and regulations years ago didn't like and still don't is asinine.

My conclusion is this: You should be who you are. Everything that you are. Nobody should have the right to tell you that you can't be you while doing something else that makes you you.

Unfortunately, we live in a society where disagreement is no longer civil; it is for all intents and purposes criminal. Whether it's ideas, politics, morality, or simply how you choose to live your life, those who disagree see you not as a person who they happen to disagree with, but as the enemy, and treat you as such.

This goes beyond sexual orientation, as I'm sure you've guessed by now, but it seems that in the current environment, gays and bisexuals are "safe" to hate, primarily because of very flimsy biblical backing and just the sheer popularity of it.

And hate is fear. Yes, it is. Insecurity in one's self, fear of punishment by some invisible higher authority, whatever your flavor, it's fear.

And no, going up and punching someone in the jaw doesn't show that you're not afraid. In fact, it shows just the opposite.

Until we live in a world without fear, we have to live with these small victories, claiming something that should have existed from the beginning.

Thank you for your time.

BTW, the "great cost" was cut and pasted from a quote by Senator John McCain.

Welcome to the fishbowl

You can say anything you like,
But you can't touch the merchandise!
She'll give you every penny's worth,
But it will cost you a dollar first! - "She's a Beauty" , The Tubes

Do any of you remember the song "She's a Beauty" by The Tubes? If not, here's the gist: it's basically an advertisement for a girl behind a glass. You can look all you want, but touching costs money.

I bring this up because I have found a place where every inhabitant, male or female, is behind a glass, and you can only touch them if you pay.

That place is called Match.com.

Or, as I have come to call it, The Fishbowl.

Let me relay my experience below. Granted I should probably have known better, but I thought I'd try it out, based on my previous experiences with dating sites.

I had actually met my wife (see my previous blog for details on that) through an online matching site. We were able to contach each other freely, exchange E-mail addresses and communicate without purchasing a subscription.

It seems that dating sites have wizened up in the intervening decade.

It seems despite the rise of free social sites like Facebook, MySpace, and MyYearbook (all of which I am members of, btw. Ask for me by name), Match.com, ostensibly a dating site, does not allow for any actual dating, simply because all you can do without a subscription is show interest.

By winking.

Yes, you actually wink at the user you are interested in. And, if they are also interested, they can wink back.

...and that's it.

You can wink at each other, but if you want to actually make a move, you have to purchase a subscription.

Both of you.

Only subscribers can send messages, and only subscribers can read sent messages.

There's an IM function for chat but, again, that's only available to subscribers.

This seems to me to be one giant cocktease. At best, this structure is a cynical money trap designed to siphon money from lonely hearts who are forced to pay $30 for a month's subscription to get in touch with one person, or pay a few months, at a bulk discount, of course "just in case" it doesn't work out. (Sounds to me despite their "guarantee" that they're banking on failure or, at least, a protracted search)

At worst, of course, it's prostitution. Because it's not inconceivable that these couples will have sex and, in not a small number of cases on either side of the equation, that is a primary goal. But that's cynical, even for me.

It's ironic that the banner ad for this app... excuse me, "widget" ... I'm using to enter this says "Chat for free", and,, yes, I followed it - it was a link to the Match.com widget for my Droid.

"Chat for free", my ass!

So now, I have a person interested in my Match.com profile (winked back), and we have no way of getting in touch. No workaround, no breakthrough- it's either buy a subscription or stay behind the glass.

Welcome to the fishbowl.

Now, I'm not against making money, but social sites nowadays can do the same thing Match.com does for free. Hell, MyYearbook has a much better compatibility system than Match.com, and it's available FOR FREE!!!

It's like an Onion headline I read a while ago: "Classmates.com Employees Don't Have the Heart to Tell CEO About Facebook"

One would hope that Match.com employees would be a bits more heartless toward its management.

Oh, and pearlluver2323, if you're reading this, check out my Facebook or MyYearbook profile and drop me a line. I'm interested, but it's this glass, you see...

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.3

What I Want

Given everything I've had to surrender to get to this point, and especially considering that everything I thought, or was told by society and observed by family (which turned out to be a poor example, but meh...) that I wanted turned out to be an exercise in self-delusion that brought two lives up to the brink of collapse, realizing our mistakes not a moment too son, it occurs to me that, well, I've never actually set down what I wanted.

So... what do I want?

I want to be in control of all aspects of my life, from my body down to when I choose to buy a trinket, instead of mania, hype, and addiction creating a false sense of longing that requires immediate gratification.

I want friends that are friends. Friends that are happy to see me rather than seeing me as an inconvenience to be tolerated. Friends that call me out of the blue just to make sure I'm okay, or call me out when I'm having trouble to talk it out before I lash out.

I want a woman who is only interested in what's now instead of leveraging for the future. One who is willing to explore life and living with me, both in the outside world and the one that only exists in the mind. One to whom sex doesn't mean everything, but also to whom sex is never meaningless. One who is willing to explore all sensations possible without, within, and between.

I want to do what I love, and share that love with everyone who wants to see it. I want to be known, enjoyed, but not famous.

But most of all, I want to Love and be Loved, without expectations or requirements. This is true both individually and universally. As Jimi so eloquently said, "When the power of Love overcomes the love of power, there will be peace on Earth."

Steep demands, I know, but I have a lot mode time than I thought I did a year ago, so I am willing to wait for the right moment. Love to all. -J

It's been a ride...

I guess I had to go to that place to get to this one. - Eminem, "Not Afraid"

I know I've been very secretive about what's been happening to me lately, and I apologize for that. The reasons are simple: The changes that were happening were happening rapidly and for the most part with no way to stop and take a breath, let alone explain. Besides which, everything was still being worked out, and it wouldn't be fair to all involved to lay things out without a proper post-mortem, as well as a clear head.

Besides that, it involves something I never do: bringing my life in the Other World (RL) into that of my online persona. Unfortunately, as often happens to those of us who live in both worlds, when one goes into chaos, the other does as well.

That chaos has subsided, things are mostly settled - that which I can control, anyway - and I have some breathing space.

So now, I will explain.

About a month and a half ago, I and my wife of eleven years came to the mutual agreement that the relationship we thought, hoped, and convinced ourselves was there simply wasn't, and hadn't been for some time - in some cases, it never was there to begin with. As a result, we have separated, and will be officially divorced momentarily.

Fortunately, the two of us are parting amicably, and are going to remain good friends. We had believed that we had some time - several months, in fact - to sort through the separation of the physical and financial connections, and we would remain in close physical proximity, with her moving closer to her work and I finding a place in town for myself so I could finally be on my own for the first time in my life.

Fate, on the other hand, had other ideas.

Several issues came up in our current residence that forced us to have to rely on friends for certain necessities, and the place where she worked suddenly closed, forcing her to move hundreds of miles away to maintain her work.

This meant that in short order, our separation period moved from several months to a few months, then from a few months to a few weeks.

The situation, it should go without saying, became very stressful in a hurry, for both of us. She became externally sad and, at times, quite emotional, since her mourning period for this huge loss for both of us was compressed so much so quickly. Blame her, I do not, but it was, and still is, hard to watch her when she starts to fall apart emotionally, knowing there's not a damn thing I can do about it.

I, having never learned to handle my stress well, internalized everything, appearing externally calm, but being a literal ticking time bomb of anger and stress.

As a result, I started to marginalize the friends who were helping us because I believed, ironically, that there were attempting to marginalize me. I, who was on the verge of losing my best friend to a faraway job, began to fear that my other friends were going to shut me out and, as a result, pushed them away so that they did eventually shut me out.

Fortunately, I did have other friends who were able to help afterward, but I wanted it to be said, for the record, that I am completely grateful and appreciative of all my friends for their help, and regret how I dealt with my own life coming apart as it applies to them. I have made attempts to make amends that, thus far, has yielded nothing, nor do I have any assumption that it will.

I have made peace with this, and have decided to move on.

So what now?

Now I have a very large living space that is completely my own (it's a rental, but still...), and I will be writing a lot, since I will likely have a lot of free time. I will continue to write Humanity, Intuition, and Darkness, although the current part may be delayed for a while due to my own issues. (Writing it the first time nearly drove me insane. Rewriting it and incorporating it into this story may make me revisit that.)

I will also be working on my review vlog. I decided to start out with a simple top 10 list to start with to introduce myself and show you what to expect from me as far as attitude and sense of humor.

I will also try to keep up this blog in addition the other one on this site as sort of a bridge between the character you see and the person I am.

I hope this post sufficiently explains where I've been and gives an idea of where I'm going. If not, ask me something by e-mail and I may answer.